I eat souls through a fleshy tube that protrudes from my thorax.

Okay, this is gonna be a long one. A few weeks ago, I received the following e-mail.

Dearest One,

REQUEST TO BE OUR GUARDIAN AND THEN HELP US THUS:

Good day and how are you today? I hope fine? After going through your profile, permit us to inform you of our desire of asking you to be a guardian or foster parent to us and then help us out in what we are about to tell you.

I’m goeffery Njaba (24)years and have an younger Sister Janet(22)years. We are the children of Late Mr.
& Mrs. John A. Njaba. Our father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant here in Abidjan, the economic capital of Cote D’Ivoire. He was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip. Our mother died when we where babies.

Before the death of our father on July 2002 in a private hospital here in Abidjan, he secretly called us by his bed side and told us that he has the sum of Four million, five hundred thousand United State Dollars (US$4.500,000.00) deposited in a suspense account in one of the banks here in Abidjan. He told us that he used my name (goeffery) as the next of Kin in depositing the money.

He then strongly advised us not to seek for assistance in the investment of the money from his lawyer nor any of his friend here but to seek for a foreign partner from a country of our choice (outside our country, Cote D’Ivoire) that willl assist us in the wise investment of the money.We have since left the money in the bank with the view of our making use of it for investment purposes after our education carrier here.
But as you may be already aware by now, our country (Cote D’Ivoire) is presently at political crises.
Rebels have already taken over the whole Northern part of the country and making efforts towards the capture of the commercial center of the country, Abidjan, where we are now.

For this ugly development in this country, we have now decided to take quick actions and have this money transferred out of this country before it is too late to do that. We now want to transfer it out and use it for investment purpose like real estate management or hotel management. Because of this we are honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To serve as a guardian to us and then assist us transfer the money into your bank account. (2) To make arrangement for us to come over to your country to further our education and then settle there parmanently.

If you accept to stand as our guardian or foster parent to us, we need not discuss on any percentage with you as you have to see the whole money as yours and then assist us invest it. But if you still want a percentage, we are willing to offer you, 20 % of the total money as compensation for your assistance. Pleas tell us if you feel the percentage we offered is not ok by you.

As soon as we receive your concrete assurance to assist us with our proposal and also your full contact address/phone number, we will then give the bank your contact information and then tell them to transfer the money into your account as we want to come over to stay with you parmanently. The bank will then contact you and communicate with you on the transfer. You shall then be giving us information on when the transfer will be over. We shall also send our pictures to you and shall also need yours too.

No matter what your decision may turn out to be, please we beg you to keep this highly secret for our safety, as we believe that those that killed our Daddy are still after us. For more clarifications you may want please contact us with any of these email
address:

Thanks and God bless you as we wait for your urgent response.

Best regards,

Goeffery&Janet Njaba

Just from the misspelling of Geoffrey alone, this is obviously a fake, and not even a good one. There are many other reasons why it’s a scam but not enough room to describe them all. Suffice to say this is one of those exchanges in which they eventually get your bank details and fuck off with your money. Bad people, right? So I decide to have a little fun.

Goeffery,

I am so sad to hear of your situation! I would be happy to help you out in any way I can. However, as you can understand, I need to be sure you are genuine as there is a lot of fraud on the Internet. Could you please send a photo of yourself and your sister holding a card with my name on it? My name is Daniel Wankery.

As soon as you have e-mailed this picture, I will send you my full contact and banking details, and we can get you to safety here in Australia!

I trust we will speak again soon, please stay safe,

Sincerely,
Daniel Wankery

I change my name. I ask for a photo. I figure I’ll never hear from them again. I figured wrong.

Dear Daniel W****,

Thanks for your mail, infact I am very happy to receive your mail with your condition, by the special grace of God Almighty, I will be forwarding to you the picture with my junior sister and the cards we are holding with your name written in both cards.

As soon I forward you the picture tommorow, I will be happy to receive your full contacts and the banking information so that I will send them to the bank where this money was deposited in a suspense account immediately for them to start processing the transfer of this money into your nominated bank account in Australia.

Meanwhile below is the ccontact address of the bank where this money was deposited incase if you feel to speak with the bank manager.

Name: BANK OF AFRICA (BOA).

Contact address: AVENUE 12 DEAUX PLATEAU
PLATEAU- ABIDJAN
COTE D’IVOIRE

Phone Number: +225 07997931

Fax Number: +225 21363190

Bank Manager: DR DIALO DIALO.

Waiting to have our photograph tommorrow.

Wishing you a happy new in advance.

Thanks and God bless you for your assistance and co-operation.
Goeffery & Janet Njaba

Sounds pretty official. I think I might give all my banking details to someone whose name sounds like the instructions for making an international call from a cheap hotel room. And the next day:

Dear Daniel W****,

I am very happy to forward to you the photographs as requested with your name placed on the cards. I am very sorry as I made mistake in the correct spelling your name. Instead of N, I miswrote U.

I am looking forward to hearing from you as soon as possible and also having the banking information and your telephone and fax number so that I will submit them to the BANK OF AFRICA where this money was deposited.

Thanks and God bless you for your assistance and your kind co-operation.

Goeffery & Sister Janet.Intrepid brother and sister visit a waterfall.

Needless to say, I fell off my chair. Of course, by now I was having fun. All I ask is that you don’t judge me.

Goeffery and Janet,

Thank you very much for the photos, they have proved to me that you are genuine and I am very willing to assist you to escape your deadly situation. However, recently I have been directed to some sites on the net that have me concerned. The first is http://www.netscalped.com/_disc4/000003b1.htm, which mentions a very similar e-mail to yours that was a fraud. Also, the US embassy in Abidjan published the an example scam e-mail at http://usembassy.state.gov/abidjan/wwwhexamples.html, and again it is very similar to yours.

I am still more than willing to assist you in your quest, provided you can give me one small additional incentive. Your sister Janet is a very beautiful girl. If you can provide me with pictures of her undressed (i.e. with no clothes), then I will take whatever final steps you require to ensure safe passage to this country. Please understand that this is purely to demonstrate that you are serious in your quest and will do what is necessary to help yourselves and me to complete this task.

You may question my motives in my request, but you must understand that as I am already quite wealthy, I do not need the money so much, and I seek this small additional compensation. Once you are in my country I can make your lives very comfortable.

I await your reply,

Sincerely,
Daniel W**** (nee. Wankery)

I’m male, ok? Sheesh. Anyway, a predictable response is coming, but it gets sooo much better.

Dear Daniel W****,

Thanks for your mail and your request.First of all I am wishing you a happy new year. I was very shocked when I saw the site you directed me to and what a hell some people are doing in the internet,but the only simple thing I strongly believe is that TRUTH MUST SURELY PREVAIL.

I have to assure you that this transaction is legal and legistimate and also very genuine and also I am very much willing to provide to you all the information you demanded as to justify the legality of this very transaction.I am also not very happy that you didnot enclosed your contact phone and fax number, your banking information I needed from you for the speedy conclusion of this transaction so that I and Janet will be coming down to your country to live with you and also investing this money.The one small additional incentive you needed that I should forward to you the picture of my sister positioned undressed,This offer highly violate our moral standard of living as a good christain,and since it is a great sin in the eyes of God,it will impossible that my sister should send you her photograph naked.

If you love my sister very well,then do everything to see that this transaction is conluded so that I and my sister will be coming down to your country,then you will be able to have her at your wish.

Meawhile I was in the bank this money and was told by the bank manager DR DIALO DIALO that you didnot contact them at all, please I would like you to contact the bank as soon as possible and get back to me.

We will also be very grateful to have your own picture to so that we will recognise you facially.THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US.

Once more happy new year.
Thanks and God bless you.
Goeffery & Janet.

The truth sure will prevail.

Dear Goeffery,

Happy New Year!

Thank you for your prompt response, and I am very disappointed to hear that your religion forbids you from fulfilling my request to see your sister undressed. In my country, pictures of undressed people are exchanged frequently and casually. As people of God, do you feel that you would be comfortable in this society? Perhaps somewhere like Pennsylvania in the United States would be a better cultural climate for you. Nevertheless, it is my intention to do everything that you require to escape your hard circumstances. Your safety is my main concern.

It is from this concern that I must humbly request a further item of proof. This one will surely not violate your religious code. As you say, the TRUTH MUST SURELY PREVAIL. I would like to see you and your sister form the shape of the letter D (the first letter of my name – Daniel) with your bodies, where your sister forms the upright, left part of the letter, and you arch your body outwards to form the curved, right-hand stroke of the letter. You may find this easiest to do lying down. I would like you to send me a picture of the two of you in this “D” position.

The truth of the letter D as a vital part of my name symbolises the truth of your commitment to the successful conclusion of this transaction. I look forward to the photograph and I will return my financial details and place a call to DR DIALO DIALO immediately upon receipt.

Wishing you all the best,
Daniel Willesley (nee. W****, nee. Wankery)

And that, I thought, was that. A totally ridiculous request that they would definately see through and leave me alone. But barely reasonable enough that maybe, just maybe…

Dear,

It has been done and the picture is in the attachment file. I do hope that you will safeguide our photos from the hands of evil one please.

I am waitting to have the required information from you as regards to the conclusion of this very transaction so that I and my sister will be coming down to your country for the investment of this fund.

Hoping to hear from you as soon as you receive this mail.

Thanks and God bless you for your assistance.
Goeffery é Janet.
This is going on all my Christmas Cards

This is going on all my Christmas cards.
But it’s still not over. I decided that I had to find out how far these people would go. So I took their hands, and we tripped the light fantastic to a land where a shattered fragment of building material can get an education.

Geoffery,

Thank you for the photo, it was very satisfactory and I can assure you the evil one won’t get anywhere near it.

I am currently in the process of fulfilling your requests, however I have hit a few small hurdles.

I attempted to call Mister DIALO DIALO this morning, but the call was answered by a woman who I suppose is his secretary. She told me that in order to speak with him, I must retrieve within three days the Sacred Gourd of Ankh-Jerod from a secret Inca fortress buried deep underneath Machu Picchu. I tried to explain to her that as I am unused to Peruvian climes, I need a few weeks to acclimatise before I can trek to the summit some 50 miles northwest of Cuzco, however she was unwavering in her request. I have decided instead to spend a few days fashioning a primitive imitation of the Sacred Gourd of Ankh-Jerod from Swiss cheese and twine, as on the phone she sounded nearsighted. Hopefully this will be sufficient to allow me to speak to Mister DIALO DIALO.

I attempted to take a photograph of myself so I could provide it to you as requested. After trying a ladder, a chair, and a sofa, I finally attempted to take the photograph using a camera, which provided much more satisfactory pictures than the first three items. However, it turns out that the lovely young lady I took to bed with me last night was of the family Dracul, and as a result of her fervent assault upon my jugular, I no longer appear on film. Incidentally, I humbly request that you and your sister ensure you bring your delicious necks to Australia uncovered by scarf or skivvy. Never mind why.

With regard to your request for my address details, I am afraid again I have struck an insurmountable problem. Unfortunately, an evil quantum physicist called Dr. Bert Newton has hunted me down and managed to precisely measure my velocity. In accordance with Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle (http://www.aip.org/history/heisenberg/), my position is now completely unknown, even to myself. While travel is always beneficial and serves to broaden the mind, teleporting to random positions within the Universe several trillion times every second makes it rather hard to pop down to the post office and check if there’s a package waiting.

I am able, however, to tell you my bank account number, which can be divined in the following manner. You will need a piece of paper.

Write down your age to the nearest year.
Multiply this number by its closest prime.
Add the number of steps it takes you to cross the room you are sitting in, backwards.
Tattoo “I’m a mongoose” on your forehead, and the foreheads of any witnesses.
Paint half of your house bright red, chop the other half into pieces and enrol each piece in Harvard Law.
The sum of the marks achieved by each shattered fragment of your house in “Internet & Society: Technologies and Politics of Control” is my bank account number at the National Bank of Australia.

I hope this information has been useful to you. I hope that you and your sister can join me in Australia soon!

Warmest regards,
Daniel Witchery

And that, pretty much, was that…

What is all these bulshit you are talking about.

If you are the only poor australian man in this world, you better go and spent the rest of yourlife in laboratory where only your food should be atomic bomb until you finally found yourself in the grave.

God purnish you for wasting our precious time.

bye.

Thanks for watching.